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She’s downstairs with her new nanny, screaming her ever-loving head off.

I’m upstairs with my computer and my wireless headset, trying to get some work done and turning Pandora up louder and louder in a futile attempt to drown out the sound of her cries. Continue reading

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Deep Water – Erin J. Bernard

Oof. I am just so damned, dog-dead tired.

Fuzzy, hazy, tater tots for brains tired. Achy-jelly-floppy bones tired. Tired to the edge of delirium. That kind of tired where you’re so tired that even your tiredness is tired — an ooey-gooey layer cake of cumulative maternal fatigue.

It’s a tiredness so complete and all-consuming that after six months spent plowing through my days from beneath its soporific mantel, the sensation has somehow ceased to be unpleasant. Continue reading

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zigzagmama, erin j bernard, retainer, adult retainer

Today, owing to a multitude of orthodontic sins committed throughout early adulthood, I chanced to find myself, at the tender age of 35, seated in an orthodontist’s chair, getting fitted for a retainer.

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Today, my baby girl is five months old.

Parenthood is full of paradoxes, no doubt, but on the occasion of this tiny birthday, I’m fixated on one in particular: how we choose to raise our young is such an intensely personal thing, and yet so many of those choices must be acted out in full view of others.

Like it or not, much of the work of parenting is done in public.

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 April 2015

I have composed iterations of this little essay in my head at least a hundred times over the past month, but somehow, I haven’t been able to bring myself to sit down and write it out loud. To make it real. I feel, now, that it is finally time to come clean.

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